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Friday, December 20th, 2002
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Blind Eye
Sometimes, I wonder why I do this.
Alessa has been my friend since childhood, although, lately, friend doesn't seem to be quite the right word to describe our relationship. Interaction has become short and forced, but I still feel the need to protect her, even though she asks nothing of me. I'm not sure exactly what role I play in her life now. She's pulled away from me as far as she possibly can, but she still asks me to bring her to the cemetary to visit her father's grave.
Why me?
Maybe all she needs is a familiar face. Maybe she still sees me in the same light as when we were kids. Maybe it's all in my head and we're still just as close as ever and I'm just expecting too much.
Or maybe I'm just over analysing something as simple as a friend asking another friend to do her a favour.
My mind never stops...
Alessa was always the type of child that seemed to be beyond her years. She was excrutiatingly meticulous about everything. If she asked you to come round her house, it had to be under the condition that you would ask before touching anything, and if you did, it had to be returned to it's proper spot. This came across as very motherly to me.
There was always a disconcerting aura that permeated her house. The tension between her and her father was especially alarming. She did her best to avoid him while he did everything in his power to make his presence known. Her mother played the part of the oblivious housewife, and her brother was just too much of a typical adolescent boy to care. We never stayed around her house for long and usually retreated to either my house or the park. Once we were out of the vicinity of her home, she seemed more child-like. But it was obvious something was awry.
This is how things continued for years. Despite her issues with home she was always a good friend, and I think she was content in knowing that I wouldn't pry into her personal life. Even as a child, I knew that some things were better left unsaid.
But then, the day things changed... Even now, I have no clear idea of what happened..
One night, Alessa had been found sitting in her front garden, covered in blood, and watching her house burn to the ground. Her mother and brother were found inside the house, burned nearly beyond recognition. Her father lay in the back garden, dead from multiple stab wounds. Alessa was taken in by her aunt after that. She didn't attend classes for about a week, and then returned as if nothing had happened. I never asked what happened that night. She never told. The adults would speak of it, but only after shooing their children out of the room. To this day I still don't know what happened.
And to this day, I dare not ask her.
But here we are again at her father's grave. She just stands there and gazes blankly into the headstone. It's gotten increasingly hard to read her as the years have gone by. She's become so cold and calculated that I can feel a chill pass thru me whenever I look into her eyes. I want to know the truth, but I'm ashamed that it's not so much because of my concern for Alessa's well being, but rather, it's the fact that I'm nosy just like everybody else.
She's still standing there. Stoic. Listless. Almost as if she were dead herself. It's starting to get to me.
I have to know.
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Blind Eye: ABSOLUTION
The ride home was unnerving. Alessa stared motionless out the passenger side window, the slight condensation from her breath gracing the glass was the only sign that she was even alive. I felt words rising up inside me, but they failed to make their way out. I learned to appreciate silence over the years, but at times like this all it did was make things awkward. I've known Alessa for way too long for conversation to be this unnatural. The thick, rolling fog outside only added to the grim feel in the car.
And then she spoke.
"So, you going to ask me or what?"
She was still gazing out the window, and I was left sitting there, practically frozen in horror.
"Um.. ask you what?" I said, trying to act like I wasn't capable of carrying a thought.
"I know you want to ask me about that night. Everybody wants to ask me about that night. But, if I'm going to tell anyone at all, it would be you." She turned slightly and looked at me out of the corner of her eye. "It's okay. You can ask."
So I did. And the story that followed was just about the purest form of shock that I had ever experienced. Had anyone else claimed it as their own I would have immediately dissmissed it as a desperate grab at attention. But this was Alessa, and I knew that it was the complete truth.
She told me how abusive her family was, how her mother barely acknowledged her existence and spent most of Alessa's childhood stepping over her. She told me how her father spoke to her in thick patronisation and treated her like she wasn't even human. Or alive. She told me how her brother would creep into her room every night and rape her, and how her father would peer thru the bedroom door and watch. Even as she recollected all of this, her expression never changed. Not even her eyes showed a glint of anger, sadness, or fear. I wondered how she could numb herself like that.
Then she went on to explain that night to me. Like every other night, her brother snaked his way into her room and climbed into bed with her, only this time, he didn't succeed at getting what he wanted. Alessa had smuggled a knife to bed with her, and as her brother threw himself on top of her, she plunged the blade deep into his stomach. When he fell to the floor, she stabbed him again in the throat. She tore thru the house and went into the basement where her father kept cans of petrol, and then lugged two cans back upstairs into the living room. She emptied the cans all thru the first floor of the house and found one of the many books of matches her father kept around. She fumbled with the matches, failing to light them as she could hear her father making his way downstairs. Just as he came into view, one sparked. She dropped the match and ran towards the backyard, her father screaming as he chased her. She hid in the bushes and waited. He searched the yard carefully, calling for her to come out. As he reached where she was hiding, she attacked him with all the ferocity she could muster. She stabbed him over and over and found herself overcome with the need to put an end to everything she had been thru. When she finally stopped, she stood over his body and stared at it, then ran past her now burning house to the front garden. She sat down in the grass and watched the flames consume the torture she had been thru.
"I honestly don't remember much of anything else after that." she said, looking out the passenger window again. I had stopped the car in front of her apartment about a half hour ago. I could feel that my face had frozen. I couldn't even blink. I had so many more questions for her, like what exactly couldn't she remember? What's happened between then and now? I couldn't say a word.
"I'm sorry." she added weakly "I should go."
She swung open the car door and started to get out, but then she turned to me and reached inside her coat pocket to pull out a switchblade. She looked upon it with more emotion in her face than I had ever seen from her in years, and then looked up at me.
"Hold this for me." she placed the blade in my lap and began to exit the car again. "I have some things I need to do, and I don't think I'll ever finish them if I keep carrying that." she closed the car door and walked up the steps to her building.
I felt my face go pale as I glared at the knife. Something told me that I had opened up and walked thru the wrong door.
And it was shut firmly behind me.
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Blind Eye: AXIOM
When I got home, I sat at the edge of my bed and went into shoegazing mode. My head was swimming with so many thoughts that I couldn't make heads or tails of any of them. There was something wrong with Alessa. Aside from being a former murderer and pyromaniac, that is. I fiddled with the blade she had given me, assuming that her final words before she left the car meant this was to be her instrument of suicide. She had some things to do, but what? It was all too much for me and I lay back and shifted my attention from my shoes to the ceiling.
I dozed off. And then the phone rang. It startled me into an upright position and I scooped the phone up, irritated that it had awoken me so rudely. I groggily spat a hello into the mouth piece.
It was Alessa.
"Can you do me another favour?" God. I could only imagine what it was. "Can you take me to my aunt's house? It's abandoned. No one's lived in it since she died a few years back, but I'd like to see it again."
Okay, this wasn't so bad. Harmless, even. But her aunt had lived a few towns over from us and it was easily a 45 minute drive. I looked at the clock on my nightstand. 7:15pm. I couldn't believe I was actually considering doing this. The last place I wanted to be at this time of night was in an abandoned house that had a dead body as it's last resident. I was tired. I wanted to go back to sleep. But I was also a bit of a sucker, and given the story Alessa had told me earlier, I couldn't turn her down.
"Okay." I finally replied, trying to mask my disdain. "I'll be there in a few."
"Bring the knife." she said coldly. Then she put the phone down.
I hope she truly appreciated this under all that vapidness. I felt horrible that I was starting to regret my so-called friendship with Alessa, but I couldn't help but feel like she was just using me as a tool. I dragged myself back out to my car and made way to her building again.
The drive up to her aunt's was just like the one from before. Alessa stared out the window and said nothing, and I just concentrated on what little of the road I could see thru our city's perpetual fog. When we finally reached the house, I just sat there, half expecting - hoping - that she would go in without me.
"You coming?" she said as she opened the passenger door.
"Yeah..." I couldn't have sounded any less enthusiastic if I had taken a handful of muscle relaxants.
If there's one thing this house wasn't, it was inviting. Obviously every ounce of warmth and hospitality died when Alessa's aunt did. Nearly every window was boarded up and the front door wasn't even fully on it's hinges. The wooden steps that led to the front porch creaked painfully as we stepped on them. Why did she have to do this now? Couldn't she have waited until morning? I was absolutely terrified. This wasn't like the haunted mansion at Disney World. There were no animatronic puppets, no mirror tricks, and no rail cars for us to ride in. This was a real abandoned house.
Alessa, still refusing to say a word, swung the barely attached door to the side and proceeded inside. I followed, tense and ready to run right back out at a moment's notice. The place was completely empty, our footsteps bouncing off the walls as we walked deeper inside. Alessa stopped at a stairway, then turned and looked at me.
"You know, when I was living here it was probably the first and last time I ever felt safe. It was the complete opposite of what I had known before. My aunt was sweet and caring. She treated me as if I were her daughter and she never expected me to be anything more than the little girl that I was. Too bad the child in me had died long before I had even learned to speak... that's what I assume, anyway. I'm sure I went thru hell before I became aware of it all." Alessa turned her head to the side and closed her eyes. "This house is just a shell now, but being here... I can still feel the comfort it brought me back then. I wanted to feel that one more time."
She turned to face the staircase and ascended two steps, then spun on her heel towards me and held out her hand. "Give me the knife."
I had visions of Alessa gutting herself in front of me. Or cutting her wrists. Or slitting her own throat. Or doing something that would result in harming herself. I decided to make an attempt at intervening and looked straight into her eyes. "No. I won't."
She cocked her head to the side and shot me this perplexed look as if I had spoken to her in a dead, foreign language. Then she twisted her mouth into this mocking and disturbing little smile while chuckling to herself. "Oh, I see. Keeping it for yourself, are you? I understand. You're lonely. Your life is stagnant. It's going nowhere and all you have left is to run from it. We're almost the same in a way, wouldn't you say?"
I felt this wave of anger wash over me as she stood there and accused me of being a failure turned quitter. We stood there and exchanged glances for what seemed like eons. It reminded of the "who's gonna blink first" game we used to play as kids. Only this time, this round wasn't going to end in a flurry of giggles. Suddenly, she shrugged and headed back up the stairs again. "Wait here."
I watched her disappear into the darkness at the top of the stairs. Then I waited.
And waited.
I could hear what sounded like a window being forced open and I immediately felt the urge to run up after her to see what was going on. The urge became an action, and I sped up the stairs to follow the noise. When I reached the top, I turned to my left and saw moonlight spilling out of a doorway onto the floorboards. I approached with caution and stood in the doorway. Off in the far corner of the room, I saw Alessa... standing in the frame of a giant, open window. She turned her head and looked at me, then carefully allowed her body to follow suit, her back facing the night. She sighed.
"I missed a lot as a child. I never really learned to dream. My imagination was, and still is, pretty much non-existent. I didn't look up at the sky and think that the sun was following me. I didn't wish upon stars. Hell, I couldn't even appreciate a good fairy tale." She looked over her shoulder and out the window. I could see a small smile forming across her lips. "One fantasy that most children have is that they can fly. I may have the good sense as an adult now to know that I'm not capable of taking flight, but... the pureness and innocence of the thought alone brings me some of the peace I've been searching for. To find the rest, I have to follow thru."
And then she fell back out the window.
I saw it. I know what I had just seen, yet I didn't believe it. My eyes were wide. My mouth was open. My heart had jumped into my throat and began to beat furiously. I went cold and felt my knees begin to weaken. Screaming and crying were options but I just couldn't shake myself out of my frozen state. This was going to haunt me for the rest of my life and I briefly began to hate Alessa for being so selfish. Just as my spite began to fizzle out, I heard a laugh. A mischievous, child-like laugh. And it was coming from the window. As I got closer, the laugh got louder, until I finally looked out the window and down to find the source.
Alessa was sprawled out on a collection of old, dingy mattresses, laughing hysterically. When she saw that I had found her, she wiped her eyes and looked up at me with this stupid grin on her face. "Gotcha?"
"What?!" I screamed down to her. "Gotcha?! Have you lost your fucking mind? Do you have any idea what you've put me thru? What the hell is going on?"
She sat up, still grinning, and began to rattle off her explanation.
"Okay, here's the deal. My father was a compulsive gambler... a horrible one at that. He never won anything and he was never able to pay up when he lost, either. His bookee got tired of his shit and sent a bunch of guys to loot our house that night. Obviously, they took it a bit farther and decided to set our house on fire. My dad chased them into the backyard, but instead of running away, they killed him. I ran outside and found him and started pounding on him, even though I knew he was dead. My mother and brother never came out of the house, so I don't know exactly what happened with them. All I know is that they were found dead inside the house. I panicked and ran to the front of the house... and just sat there as the house burned. And that's it."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was all too bizarre, indeed, and the way she told the story so nonchalantly only succeded in irritating me.
"So, the story you told me earlier...."
"I was just funnin' with ya'!" she interrupted cheerfully. "C'mon! How good was that?"
"Okay.. so your family was murdered and instead of traumatising you it turned you into a sadistic little bitch? I don't believe this..." I was angry, and I made sure that she knew I was angry. All she did was stare back up at me as if I was overreacting. I was waiting for an apology, and I wasn't going to ask for it.
Nothing.
"I'm going home." I said as I turned around to make my way back out of the house. "Good luck finding a ride back."
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
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i was born into a world that was vast and endless
a child exposed to raw darkness
left to cower into myself in fear of everything
but only when Mother couldn't be bothered
"He has to learn someday."
but the lesson was never clear
thus nothing was ever learned
every reaction was a cringe
a wince
a flinch
when the tears would come they seemed invisible
there was no comfort or warm embrace to be had
no re-assurance that everything was okay
that's all i ever asked for
even if the sentiment was hollow
that's all i ever asked for
i was afraid of everyone bigger than me
i was afraid of everyone the same size as me
huddled in corners
clutching Mr. Men books and various toys
the sound of schoolmates being "normal" resonating around me
"He doesn't interact well with other children."
so something must have been wrong with me
i was the odd one
the one who dared to learn to read before everyone else
when i spoke
my voice was cloaked by the overcast of shadows
lost behind the gleam of eager smiles and wide-eyed innocence
you always hear stories of "forgotten children"
i believe i was one of them
time only perpetuated the loneliness
Father slipped away and started anew
coming round on weekends and birthdays
guest spots on holidays
i never learned how to address him
Father, Daddy, Dad
none of them seemed to suit him
when i'd try they'd just trip over my tongue and fall to their deaths
but it never seemed to bother him
it's as if he understood
he always did despite his absence
when he'd leave i'd peer thru the window
to watch him drive away
wondering why he couldn't just stay
Father had a window in every house i lived in
time ticked by
and by and by
and i fed into the hatred that it spawned
slashing and scratching at myself
trying to release to the pain
wiping away tears that did nothing but damage
tossing and turning in a bed of rusted blades
lying awake
surrounded by the silence that darkness brings
allowing the thoughts in my head to clamor about
trying to escape outside into reality
as i try my hardest to herd them back inside
and leave me be
that's all i ever asked for
but the past is the past
and should be left as such
i've found comfort in raindrops
i've found hope and happiness in someone who isn't afraid to love me
and be loved in return
someone who understands
that there are days when everything will hurt
and that i am Ciel
a child born zero.
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Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
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he doused himself
in a bath of petrol and tonic
and muttered a mantra of tapped veins and blackened eyes
bruised, blistered, and blue
the sky fell to pieces around him
smothered in ethereal rubble
buried alive in the wake of rogue angels
and yet he is still dazzled by the face in the mirror
it's never a question of where he goes
or how he gets there
but how he looks when he does
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last night i kissed you
and colors danced and mingled with the light
we were of one mind
one body
one breath
and we were the axis of our own world
everything and everyone shifted towards us
drawn by us
fascinated by a love the likes of which they had never seen
but we were lost in each other
loving glances and sweet smiles
pressed lips and playful tongues
soft hands and candlelit fingertips
locked in a moment
where we were meant only for each other
we created our own language
thru the simple pleasure of touch
and formed a complex dialect that only we could decipher
we shared the same thoughts like siamese lovers
and there was no separating us
we were not to be divided
we were as right as the rain
and as sure as the rising sun
there is no emotion greater than this
it fills my heart and spills out
running thru my body
across fields and valleys
thru streams, rivers, oceans
to reach you
the kiss in my dreams
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eight times the moon broke itself across his back
with flames as purple as frozen scars
the sweat danced across his brow
falling into and stinging his eyes
he stops
collapsing into the dirt below his feet
icy stares from absolute darkness
he laughs
louder..
and louder...
and then he's gone
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embracing the stars that have fallen
always leaves the deepest scars
as everyone spins 'round inside familiar fables
for lack of better judgement
no one ever stops
the comfort of confusion roots itself in thoughts and hearts
weeds and vines
thorns that cut like bitter glass
the blood is never as sweet when the tears aren't mixed in
there's passion in everyone
and there should be no shame
but they never masturbate in fairy tales
so they find empty release in magic mirrors
and suffocate beauty inside poison apples
speaking in riddles
singing songs to delay the atrophy
truth is, it never leaves
the dances are lifeless; without spark
limp and drained of energy
you sow what you reap
and you weep what you know
take notes
the teacher has no intention of educating you
he's just there to show you the door when you fuck up
to drop the nonsense of your goddamn town inside your hands
and let you drag it thru the dregs
'til you collapse and smile because your done for
but at least you'll have peace
until next time...
in fairy tales
every orgasm has its own sound
in reality
fear stifles the moans and sighs into a neat little ball of self-consciousness
but fuck that
let the noise fly
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she assaults me with maternal malignancy
leaving invisible bruises and welts
that scar deeper than any blunt/sharp object could
forcing my eyes to point downward in shame
funny...
the floor comforts me more than she does
i direct my attention to where her eyes are not
hoping this will cut her attack short
she leaves me frazzled and confused
my head swimming with thoughts
as nonsensical as a language without vowels
asking myself questions that no one could answer
spinning and spiraling and sinking into myself
the more i struggle, the more i'm pulled under
i reach out
my hands like those of a child waiting for that loving embrace
the embrace that assures that everything is okay
and nothing can do me harm
that love is unconditional
but all i grasp is air
air as dead as the look in her eyes when they meet mine
so i accept the nothing i am given
and give nothing in return
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"stay with me."
he whispers into her ear
the faint scent of sugar cane and absinthe flowing thru her
something in his serpentine speech shakes her
the words that glide over every inch of her body
coiling 'round and 'round and mesmerising
leaving her limp and vulnerable
"stay with me."
he echoes into her ear
sensing her lingering resistance in the air
trying to steal her eyes into his own
the devious reflection of flint against amethyst
Midori lowers her head in a final attempt to gain control
but she knows she's lost the battle
just as he knows he's won
"stay with me."
he commands into her ear
slightly bemused that he must repeat himself again
Vermillion mixes his words with touch
his arms and hands slither around her
she'd scream if she could
she'd cry, break free, and run if she could
but all that's left of her is a vessel
a newborn heart wrapped in a shell
and she surrenders
"stay with me."
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the Valkyries ride on machines
of forgotten answers and war torn grace
metal grinding against the dirt streaked faces
and every wish floating on the ill colored clouds
broken voice siren songs
sweet solidarity pressed against bruised backs
there is no safety in erasure
and there is no relief in silence
silently...
tiptoe thru your graveyard garden
whisper in the ears of those lost in sleep
they have been granted the gift of smile
for peace has fallen upon them in slow, poetic raindrops
dance if you must, i promise they can't hear you
every corner remains occupied until the final bomb has fallen
and there is no guarantee in breathing
breathe...
don't forget to breathe
every eye is fixed on the brilliance of the explosion
a shower of death based pastels and textures
the Valkyries continue to ride onward
even though it is futile to do so in the wake of the tide
the moon casts a glow over every lost endeavor
and gives birth to that which was once unknown
abstract suicides scratching from the outside
graveyard symphonies withered in the sunlight
dead eyed geisha girls wrapped in plastic tragedy
crack faced china dolls with dirt caked heels and tattered sleeves
the Valkyries fail
the Valkyries fall
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last night i called out for you
and the only answer was dead air
my body aching for your touch
my eyes fixed on the blue darkness across the room
i wrap myself in the blanket that absorbs our conversations
recalling the sweet song of your voice
imagining your body beside me
your movements like poetry whispered thru water
and i released another stray sigh to the empty space
last night i cried out for you
and all i heard was my own tears
my head heavy with the words of those who tear thru me
the confusion in my hands scratching at my arms
and a thin veil of crimson left behind to remind me of my mistake
trying to wash the stains away with your laughter
wishing i didn't have to cry alone
your love ever so slowly making its way toward me
as i closed my eyes to sleep thru the tortured miles
last night i dreamt about you
and not once did i flinch as i slept
images swimming from my heart to my head
and a chorus of sweet whispers dancing thru my ears
i hope for a miracle to exchange my reality for this dream
but i know that i will wake
and you won't be next to me
your smile still wrapped in the shackles of distance
as i lay in a bed of hopes that will one day hold us both
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Midori walks hand in hand with her dissonance
screaming silently to herself in frayed chords
the sound carries across the landfill clouds
and stabs away at Vermillion's ears
he shakes his head in disbelief
denying himself a veil of torn memories
swinging violently at the shadows and kicking up dust
he leaves traces of himself on the oft forgotten trails
but should she feign interest in his self-inflicted plight
he'd never have to eye his own reflection
sunken eyes and an expression of disarray
weathered hands scratching at his face in disgust
but beyond it all he still reaches for her
as she sleeps on a bed of murderous cries
truths pass over mangled tongues and stitched lips
and haunt his days until the nights are erased
Vermillion drives his own soul out of sight
down a road of moonlit vapors and static winds
stalked by a symphony of patchwork apparitions
the remains of his heart work overtime in fear
he hears her scolding whispers in the air
and the hurt in her laughter couldn't be clearer
a bitter reminder of lies and teardrop treachery
a bitter reminder of mistakes and rain rusted promises
he scrambles to keep his hatred in his possession
should he lose faith in his makeshift stars the descent would pierce him
the blood of his god in a pool before his persona
carpeting the floor beneath his tragedy stained feet
he crawls on his knees thru the vacancy of his own scars
exhaustion beats upon his back and stings his eyes
a fallacy riddled martyr collapsing into himself
as her presence continues to hang over his head
Midori walks hand in hand with her dissonance
and rests in peace stolen back from her demons
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we are all pieces scattered in the apathy scented wind
mixed with a veil of ever smoldering ashes
let everyone kiss the forgotten widows
reflected in the eyes of the children born of malice
shadows shifting across the walls
as black as the blood of long dead soldiers
thick-skinned and broken hearted
weak-willed and dragged thru broken glass
emptiness spilled across bare feet
painfully sweet like caustic cola
the fabric has been torn straight down the middle
creating a rift between the sad-eyed babies
their cries left ignored in the cherry treacle rain
to be drowned out by the sound of sugar
these are the songs of the ill-spoken
melodies descending thru the vintage painting clouds
they shake all upon imapct and shatter crystal hearts
and the pieces remain to cut thru innocent heels
we are showered with bloodshed televised into our heads
we spin on our knees and collapse into the dust
our tired bodies draped in a marrow woven duvet
the hands of men bound in red adhesive silence
dancing in the shade of their rooftops
manufactured by guilt, greed, and sorrow
the laughter of Death ringing in their ears
echoing in and out and up and down without prejudice
all of one thought and of one mind
but each heart beats differently
and every soul reaches for another
we scratch at ourselves for the answers
and always dig up restlessness and frustration
the road that leads out of the town harbored within each of our bodies
seems as though it is forever under construction
tongues of flame lick at us and push us back into cast iron arms
crushing our confectionary spirits
leaving nothing but rancid husks
but we try--
and we try yet again
cos we can see rebirth dangling in the distance
a glimmering tell-tale sign of bitter forgotten yesterdays
and promising tomorrows
where each piece is interlocked with its perfect match
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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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there are times when everything seems so far away
distances carpeted with broken glass
i step with caution thru the jagged minefield
wondering if there's a beginning after this end
and i see you there
just as tired as i am
trying to make sense of this undeserved torment
i see you there
and i realise the only place i'm meant to be is with you
i tread the miles once again
reminding myself that no space is too vast
when you're on the other side
the simplest thoughts of you erase every mile
they drain the ocean and connect our respective edges
and in my mind i'm already in your arms
this is the image i hold before myself
this is the image that awakens the life in me
and although you're there
and i'm here
i know that this is not how it will be forever
but until then
i'd rather you be just out of my reach
than not be at all
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i'm tired
the night and i have never gotten on all that well
we feint and parry and dance circles around each other
launching half-ruthless glances in pale attempts to scare
frighten
i am frightened
i sweep up the scraps of the day i've left behind
feeding them to the beast that takes shelter in my head
whatever he doesn't want remains and turns to dreams
dreams that warp and twist into nightmares
nightmares that shake me awake without fail
and this has become a ritual
a product of malignancy that i can't cast aside
years of being greeted at the door by disappointment
have finally caught up with me
pushing me against the rusted steel walls
throwing me to the rotted floors like a forgotten toy
a toy completely robbed of its novelty
forgotten by children who have found better ways to entertain themselves
all i have to keep me warm is a coat lined with destitution
too exhausted to make restitution with myself
yet i still find ways to rebuild my constitution
only to be reminded that i'm still who i was yesterday
old haunts that mock and laugh
pointing and sneering
scratching away at my skull to re-reveal the buried ghosts
and i find myself annoyed by what i've conjured up
realising that this is the same moon dance as before
the same salt water release as always
and i try and try and wait and hope and try again
to leave this all where it belongs
back there somewhere
cos i'm tired
and i would like to sleep someday
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i know
i'm not where i belong
surrounded by everything but what i want
it makes me tear at myself
ripping skin and muscle
drawing blood
until my heart is bared
calling for you with every beat
each time it pulses
i am reminded of how much i need you
and the ache surges thru me without mercy
i lay back
and stare at nothing
for what else could i gaze upon without you here?
but the emptiness burns my eyes to tears
my hands clenched tight as i...
try to pull back the rain
but it is not mine to control
and it leaves traces of my solemnity across my face
until i am exhausted and weary and yet..
i still smile
i smile because i can hear you
whispering so sweetly to me over the phone
the lilting song of your laughter
the calming lullabye that is your voice
your words hold me -- rock me to sleep
just like the comfort i used to dream about
the comfort i thought i'd never feel
your breath
like will o' wisps in my ear
your kisses
wiping my tears away
and you..
revealing the happiness i thought i never had
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Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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you are the vision that keeps me warm at night
the vision that fills the emptiness in my bed
i imagine your hands
your fingertips
sending chills thru every fiber of my being
and i return your touch with my own
our lips meet and we exchange breaths
arms and legs intertwined
subtle movements that pull moans from deep within
my mouth travels the curves of your body
slowly.. gently
my mind set on pleasuring you
feeling you
loving you
until my tongue finds where you are your warmest
licks that make you shiver
sigh and glisten with passion
your scent flows thru me
and it only makes me want you more
your taste on my fingertips
the feel of your sweet, satin skin against me
our love as pure as an angel ascending
wrapping us up inside the needs and wants
that drive us ever so much closer to each other
until we make love together..
as one.
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Sunday, February 24th, 2002
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sometimes i wonder if i'm dreaming
because you're far too beautiful for reality
even my simplest thoughts of you
leave me breathless
anxious to see your face
your eyes
your smile
to watch your lips form the i love you's that you send to me
eager to hold you in my arms
your warmth against me
and mine against yours
the rise and fall of your breath
resonating in my ears
our heartbeats finally as one
your love and sweetness overcoming me
and holding me in safety from all the pain
i trust you with my heart
my life
my love
as i realize that you are a dream
a dream come true
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Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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my mind conjures up images
of your body next to mine
beautiful stillness in slumber
your silhouette rising and falling
as you draw in and release your breath
there is a sense of peace on your face
barely visible in the light of the moon
a sign that you know i'm here
that i will hold you safe
that i will forever love you
this is just one of the countless nights
when i can feel you beside me
my bed no longer empty and sleepless
and my thoughts wiped clean of old pain
that had twisted itself around me like chain link ivy
my heart finally free from the spiders in my nightmares
every cobweb shaken and blown far away
all just from thinking of you
waiting for your touch
your kiss
your love
and when my lips form your name
to call for you thru the darkness of the night
and my ears only hear silence
i never cry
because i know you can hear me
i know you can feel me
and i know you love me
just as i love you
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Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
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Baby, let's play house
the happy hubby and wife
early morning sun rises
but don't get out of bed
cos i'm down in the kitchen cookin' breakfast
wearing nothing but those funky boxers you like
we've got the whole day ahead of us
wrapped in our lazy sheets
laughing at the shit on the telly
occasional loving glances
smile met by smile
and then we roll outta bed
to dance to the music in our heads
cuddles on the couch
stopping for kisses in the hallway
silly little games with rules
that only we understand
making love where we please
on rainy afternoons
my arms wrapped around you
and yours around me
drifting off to sleep
to meet each other in mid-day dreams
Baby, let's play house
two lovers meant to be
as i watch you sleep
the sunset casts an orange glow
across your beauty
and when your eyes slowly open
they're greeted by mine
now the evening is ours
the moon and every star
every street light is a beacon
that illuminates our love
and as the city sleeps we dance again
every song dedicated to you
until we relent to the night
to lay in each others arms again
Baby, let's play house
the proud mama and papa
the product of our love
grinning and cooing in the crib
as happy to be alive
as we are to have created life
we take her for a walk in the park
people stopping to admire such a beautiful child
i can't help but light up
for being able to have everything i wanted
during peaceful nights
we watch her sleep
tiny hands and feet
and little baby dream smiles
with my arms wrapped around you
we quietly slip away
to lay in each other's arms again
2 a.m...
and we hear her crying
but don't get out of bed
i kiss you on the cheek and return to her
to rock her to sleep
Baby, let's play house
until we can make it for real
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
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where are you?
i need you here
i need you beside me
i need your hand in mine
i need you in my arms
i need your scent wrapped around me
i need your whispers in my ear
i need you to kiss me while i sleep
i need you to smile when i can't
i need you to laugh when i walk into walls
i need you to shake your head when i act a fool
i need you to love me when i can't love myself
i need you to let me trip over my own feet
i need you to pick me up when i do
i need you to be you
i need you here
where are you?
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leroystanks's journal